Secrets
by DisneyStar4Ever
Summary: When Mordecai goes to ask Benson to borrow the cart, he finds an empty office and an open book. Curious, he reads it, only to discover something shocking. Mordeson (sort of).
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Mordecai was walking down the hallway, to Bensons office. It was Eileens birthday in two days and he needed to borrow the cart to get last-minute party decorations. When organizing what to get, Rigby was assigned with getting the decorations but, unfortunately, he had completely forgotten and now, because he had collapsed on the couch from exhaustion of the amount of chores piled upon him that day, the "laborous" job was left to Mordecai, who had a genuine smile on his face as he approached his boss' office door.

"Benson?" He asked, knocking once on the wood. He waited a few seconds, only to have silence reply to back him. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion and he knocked again to get the same response. He rested a hand on the doorknob and it turned with ease, the door pushing open. "I need to borrow the cart this after-" He paused, being met with an empty office, the window half open and the light on his desk on, shining on an open book. Mordecai's eyes went straight the red cover of it and he let go of the doorknob to walk to it. "Huh, what's a book doing on Bensons desk?" He said aloud, having forgotten what he came here for.

As he stepped up to desk, he stared down at the pages in wonder. He picked it up gingerly and flipped the cover over, his left hand on the page it was open to.

_Bensons Journal_

It read on the front. Mordecai, now with his eyes wide, studied the cover, wondering why Benson kept a journal. _Maybe it's for work. _He thought, then flipped through the book. When he caught sight of his name, he stopped it at the page, holding the journal in both hands as he read the small paragraph.

**_6/24_**

**_Ugh those two idiots caused me so much stress today! First, they burn the cart then they trash the house! I just went to my office and almost broke down in tears. I was just so pissed off with them. Then I heard a knock at my door and when I opened it, Mordecai was standing there with a hot coffee and a bag of grilled cheese delux. Honestly, I just wanted to hug him. It was just so thoughtful of him to think of me through all of that._**

Mordecai glanced up, suddenly remembering the moment. _Why would Benson write that? It wasn't that important to keep in a journal. _Despite this, he looked back down and continued reading.

**_7/25_**

_**Well, Audrey broke up with me today. She went back to Chuck, that **__then a whole bunch of curse words __**And to make matters worse, Mordecai and Rigby stuffed up my day. They kept slacking off and I almost exploded with anger. Luckily, Mordecai noticed and approached me and asked what had happened. Geez, this is so embarrassing, but I cried because I was so full of emotion. I actually cried and, and here comes the weird part, he HUGGED me to comfort me. Yeah, I was surprised at the contact, but I accepted it. And...it was actually kind of...nice to get a hug from him.**_

Mordecai felt his cheeks heat up. He had a sudden urge to close the book. This was not right and if he got caught, he'd be in deep trouble. But he kept reading.

_Boring, boring, boring. _He thought, flipping more pages. Seeing his name again, he stopped and began reading.

**_7/27_**

**_I honestly don't know what the heck is wrong with me. Everytime I see Mordecai, I just get this weird feeling in my gut and when he smiles at me, ugh, I blush. I fricken blush. Oh god, am I sick? I don't know. I'll have to think about this for a few days._**

**_7/28_**

**_Well, I had a long thought about it and I still don't know what's going on. This has never happened to me before, but I'm not going to worry about it. Maybe it's a phase._**

**_7/29_**

**_Nope, definitely not a phase._**

**_7/30_**

**_Oh god, guess what happened today? When we were watching a movie for Game Night, his hand touched mine and I swear I felt my heart leap. Ok, this is not right. I need to go talk to Skips about this. _**

**_7/31_**

**_Talked to Skips and...he said I'm in love. Yip. I'm in love. WITH MY EMPLOYEE. _**

**_8/3_**

**_Now that I've found out what's up with me, I'm starting to notice things now. Thing between Mordecai and I. Oh god, just writing his name makes me shake. This can't...I refuse to accept this. IT'S A PHASE. It has to be._**

Mordecai was shaking himself. _What? Benson was...in love with him? _He gripped the book tighter, his eyes scanning downwards for more information. A few dreams had been scribbled down, more denial and...a piece of hurried writing...

**_8/12_**

**_Ugh I can't stop thinking about him. I'm losing sleep, not eating and I think everyone's starting to notice my attitude change. He's on my mind constantly and he won't leave. It's killing me inside to think...maybe he doesn't feel the same way...Of course he doesn't. He's not gay. And neither am I. . . . Am I?_**

**_8/14_**

**_My mind was such a mess today. I almost burst into tears again, I couldn't think straight. I need to know...does he feel the same? _**

"Mordecai?"

The journal fell out of Mordecai's hands and he spun around. Benson was standing in the doorway, looking at him. An expression of surprise, anger and when the realization had hit him, embarrassment, were on his features. Mordecai was rooted to the spot, the journal open to the page he just read by his feet. Bensons cheeks went a bright red and he directed his gaze from the blue jay to the ground, Mordecai not knowing what to say himself as he rubbed his neck, his heart going a million miles an hour.

After a few minutes of heavy silence, Benson raised his head to look at Mordecai, a solemn look upon his features. He opened his mouth. Mordecai waited for the outburst, bracing himself for the impact, but instead Benson said something that made Mordecai's stomach flip.

"Well." Benson said softly. "Do you?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

It was an ultimate stare-down between the two as Benson waited for Mordecai to reply. But the problem was, was that Mordecai didn't know what to say. He was in shock for that matter and he was surprised that he could look his boss in the eye for that long without breaking contact once. Benson still stood in the doorway, the journal still lay open at Mordecai's feet, and the gumball machine hadn't taken a step to retrieve his inner most thoughts from the ground in front of his employee. He only lingered there, patiently waiting for a response, a "good news" response at that and Mordecai could tell; despite Bensons long term denial at his new found emotions, he had obviously come to accept them; for if he hadn't, he would be dead on the floor from sleep deprivation.

Mordecai's gaze flickered to the ground at the journal and he got a shock up his arm when he was reminded of what he had read. Now he had time for the news to sink it, frankly, it weirded him out. A lot. And the fact that the guy who had written all that stuff was standing just a few steps across from him made him almost want to drown. Why Benson had even _bought _the journal to work was the least of his worries. His main concern was how he was going to get out of this situation without making both of them feel like idiots. Mind you, Benson probably already felt like an idiot, no doubt about leaving an open journal on his desk with his door unlocked and an office completely empty. Mordecai shook his head. He shouldn't put all this emotion on Benson. It was partly his own fault too. For if he hadn't picked up the journal, they wouldn't be in this mess.

Finally, Mordecai came to conclusion: It was both their faults.

Slowly, he tore his eyes from the red cover and tilted his head back up, forcing himself to lock gazes with the man across from him, still planted in the doorway as if he were a statue. His stance had never broke and his expression hadn't wavered, since the time it took for Mordecai to think. Man, that was a long time.

Oh, right...he was waiting for an answer.

Mordecai kept drifting his gaze to the ceiling, anywhere but at his boss. The sun cast a shadow through the window and he shifted his eyes behind him to see the sun was setting below the horizon. From his field of vision, he could see Benson still looking at him. He wouldn't give up. He could easily grab the notebook, say goodbye to Mordecai and leave without a word, but no. He wanted an answer. And he wanted one before he had to leave for the night.

The blue jay let out a heavy sigh through his half open mouth like a smoker, just as the sun dropped behind the hill, leaving a few orange rays to shine outwards. He looked back at Benson and the gumball machines expression hadn't faltered, but this time, his arms were crossed. Strangely enough, he didn't question why Mordecai was taking so long to answer. Maybe he had been in this situation before in his college days. Or perhaps he had mentally put himself in the blue jays shoes (figuratively speaking) to see what it would be like in that position and from that, he got a pretty good idea of how Mordecai felt. Whatever it was, Benson still stood patient.

The clocked ticked on and on and as the minutes wore by, so did the embarrassment. No longer did embarrassment linger in the air. Foolishness on Bensons part took over and shame replaced for Mordecai. No matter how many times they tried to avoid looking at each other, they always found their eyes drifting over the others faces, trying to read their expressions from a distance.

Mordecai backed into the desk, the journal slipping from his feet and falling flat on the ground. "Do I what?"

Bensons expression changed in the blink of an eye. After minutes of waiting for an expected response, the sudden unexpected one left him in brief shock and he stayed still, his mind registering what he had just said and he forced himself to remember what he had written to answer his employees question.

With another blush starting to appear, Benson untangled his arms, raising his hands and twisting them around to try to get the words to form in his throat. "Do you...you know..." He offered, hoping Mordecai would remember and get the hint, but no. Either he knew and he was choosing to make Benson feel more like an idiot than he already did, just to punish him for the stupid thoughts he had written down in a $2 book or he truly didn't remember and he needed a little more push to get the memories flowing. Well, it had been ages since Mordecai had found the journal and neither of them expected the other to remember. Heck, Benson was surprised he could remember what he had written from so long ago. But that wasn't the point.

Mordecai bought his hands back and gripped the edge of the desk as if he were hanging on for dear life. He wanted to be anywhere but here, he thought, as he looked down at the carpet again. He did know what Benson was talking about; it had all come back to him in one stream. He regretted taking one step in the room and he kicked himself for his curiosity, his naivity and his stupidity in that situation. Why hadn't he just left? Why did he have to open the door and go up to the desk? Why, why, why? Mordecai breathed out through his nose. He closed his eyes, his head directed downward to the carpet. From here on out, he had no idea how to respond, for whatever he answered, the awkwardness would settle back and they would be there all night until either of them did something.

The thing that bothered Mordecai most of all was having to look Benson in the eye and give him a straight, flat out answer. Ok, Mordecai thought, list out the facts of the situation so far:

-Benson bought a journal to work

-He had written his inner most thoughts in it

-It had been left on his desk, opened, with the door unlocked

-And Mordecai had found it, his curiosity having got the best of him

-Now they were both stuck in a rutt till the heavy atmosphere left

Now for the big facts:

-Through all that reading, Mordecai had found out his boss was gay

-Benson had battled with denial of his emotions; he didn't want to like his employee

-Frankly, he didn't want to be gay, if you narrow it down

-Mordecai was completely weirded out from the situation, but he didn't want to make his boss feel more ridiculous than he probably already felt deep inside

This last fact made Mordecai's stomach churn. He wouldn't get fired, or yelled at, he knew that. He just wondered what would happen if Mordecai even said anything to Benson to break the silence or just to reply to his boss, or both.

Finally, Mordecai opened his eyes and, having counted the facts in his head, pushed them back for the meantime but they still lingered. And that's what he wanted as he lifted his head again, once again looking into Bensons eyes and with that done, he opened his mouth, speaking loud and clear to answer Bensons question.

"Yes, I do know."

Benson shut his mouth quick, his arms going back to folding themselves again. Like Mordecai had done, he glanced down at the carpet. "Oh."

Not what Mordecai was hoping for. It was like a conversation breaker. Great, now he had to think of a response to give him. And it couldn't be witty like "well?" No. That would dig him deeper in the hole. He had to think up something that would keep Benson talking and keep him thinking. One thing suddenly jabbed at his mind and his eyes widened slighlty. No. Not that. Getting yelled at was one thing. But breaking his heart? No. He couldn't do it.

He wanted to get out of this as soon as possible and to do that, he had to end it quickly, like killing an animal. Quick and painless. Except, this was going to painful. For Benson. Oh god, Mordecai felt sick looking at Benson again, just as the gumball machine rose his head again to look his way. But he didn't feel that way towards him. And he didn't even try to convince himself otherwise. Because as he let his eyes drift over Bensons expression, it hit him.

Benson already knew his answer.

Mordecai just wanted to drop. He hadn't wanted to hurt his boss in any way possible. But this...this had to sneak upon him. And by this, he meant Benson. Beneath the gumball machines facade of smiles and grins lay a dark, depressing side which soon would be reopened again at the one word answer spoken from the blue jay standing across from him. Mordecai saw it. He saw it the moment Benson caught him red handed. Except he hadn't wanted to see it. He had already had had enough of finding layers upon layers of Bensons past popping up around the park at certain moments and this just took the cake. A new secret had been found. By the one that he had been thinking about constantly, the one he had lost weight and sleep over, the one, hard working employee who always apologized, thanked, and complimented whenever possible. It was hard to believe, really. For both of them.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Benson silently cursed himself for bringing his journal into work. Deep down, he had known someone would find it but he hadn't thought out of all people, _Mordecai _would find it. And it was just too typical to be true to find Mordecai in his office, reading his journal, his deepest secret that he had kept since the blue jay started working here. A part of his mind told him that if Mordecai did find it, he would put it back and go out the room. But knowing him for so long, Benson almost smiled at the irony that Mordecai kept reading. And what made matters worse, was that Benson had _caught him reading his journal._

If only he had put the journal away. But he hadn't thought about it. Until now of course. Why he hadn't actually shut the journal before he left the office, was a mystery in Bensons mind. A stupid mystery at that.

What would've been worse, Benson thought, was if _Rigby _found the journal. No doubt about what he would've done; grab it, run out the office and tell Mordecai that night when he was just about to go to sleep. So Benson silently cheered that Mordecai had found it, although he didn't _cheer _persay; he was just happy that it hadn't been any of the other workers. Mind you, if Skips had found it, he could keep a secret and he would definitely keep this one. Bensons view changed. Why hadn't Skips found it? It would've made things _a lot _easier for both of them, for Skips wouldn't even have _read_ the journal. But even if he had, he wouldn't have said anything, only "your secret's safe with me". And it would've been.

Bensons eye caught the clock; 5:30. How long had they stood there, waiting for the other to speak? About a half hour, he guessed. Or maybe it was longer. Benson cursed himself. No. That was the least of his worries. Time. He held Mordecai's gaze again, the other never breaking contact. The blue jays mind was running for an answer to his boss' one word reply.

Both of them understood the circumstances to this; whatever the answer may be, a yes or a no, they would still continue with their normal work routines. Nothing would change. And Benson was happy about that. He didn't want things to change just from one word by the blue jay. Despite waiting for Mordecai to answer, Benson opened his mouth and he saw Mordecai knew something was going to be said, so he shut his mouth and stood, waiting for his boss to say whatever he had to say. Anything to get rid of this awkwardness.

"So...do you?"

Why? Why? Why?

Mordecai just wanted to run out the room. There was no backing out of this one. Now that Benson knew Mordecai knew what he was talking about, he had to answer. He wanted to rattle out a list of curse words to Benson for bringing the silence back, something neither of them wished for in the slightest. Still, Mordecai looked Benson straight in the eye. His tongue felt like dry leather in his mouth and he couldn't get the words to form in his mind. Both of them wanted this to end as quickly as possible. Both of them wanted to get out of the room and both of them wanted nothing more than for this to be dropped. As if the journal had never been bought to work, as if Mordecai had never walked in the office and picked it up. But he had. And you can't erase the past.

Despite Benson knowing the answer already, he still wanted it to be said, just to stop the aching in his stomach from hunger pains. But the problem was, was that Mordecai _didn't_ _want_ to say it. In order for this to be forgotten deep in their minds though, something had to be finalized from the blue jay. Was it a yes or no?

Mordecai took another breath. The grip on the back of the desk loosened as his hands slipped to his side and he closed his eyes, opening his mouth to speak the one word.

"No."

That was it. It had been said. He felt a heavy weight lift off his chest and he opened his eyes, to see Benson looking at him, no expression on his face, the gears in his mind turning for a reaction to place on his features.

Benson knew Mordecai knew so that was one thing checked off the list. But that didn't heal his slowly breaking heart. The gumball machine uncrossed his arms, letting them drop to his side. And the hint of a reaction slowly made it's way on his lips: A sad smile.

"Oh, ok."

Oh god. The pain in his tone. It was strung so tightly into Bensons words that Mordecai picked it up as soon as the first word had left the gumball machines lips. He willed himself not to show any sign of "a change of mind". No matter how many times he told himself, he knew he didn't like him. He had never been attracted to his boss from the start and the weird feeling came back when his mind bought him back to the words written in Bensons journal. Just a tinge of guilt hit Mordecai when he realized Benson had lost weight and sleep from this new emotion. Mordecai had felt it before with Margaret, except he had handled it. Benson, however, hadn't felt this way in a long time and the fact that it was a_ co-worker _just made things worse.

Mordecai swallowed the lump in his throat, every word coming out in a forced choke. "I'm sorry Benson. I just don't feel that way towards you-"

"No, it's ok. I didn't think this would work out anyway."

How Mordecai just wanted to hug him from the sadness slipped into his tone. He would give anything to turn back time, to forget this ever happened. He watched Bensons face for any more signs of reaction, but it stopped there. Until Mordecai saw, from the corner of his boss' eye, a small tear about to fall. The guilt weighed on Mordecai's chest suddenly and for a few seconds, he forgot how to breath. That is, until Benson took a step away from the doorway. The movement made Mordecai wonder if Benson was going to hug him, but he abandoned the thought. _Why would he do that anyway? _If anything, Mordecai was the one who should be hugging him.

But neither took a step towards the other.

"Ok." Mordecai said. To rid the horrid silence, he bent down and picked up the journal, folding the covers back onto the front and back pages of the book as he straightened. With his left hand holding the edge of it, a small smile tugged at his lips when Benson finally walked towards him to retrieve the book. As he took the book back, their fingers brushed and as if on cue, light blushes rose on their cheeks. Mordecai looked the other way as Benson held the book in his right hand by his side. Bringing his eyes up, he saw the gumball machine still standing there. Waiting for...something else to be said?

He moved to go, stepping aside and away from him incase they touched again. Benson didn't say a word. Mordecai took a step towards the door, but was stopped with a hand on his shoulder. It was like a shock and he turned his head, to see Benson with a solemn look, the journal closed on his desk, the lamp switched off.

"Promise you won't tell anyone about this."

It wasn't a question. Benson knew Mordecai wouldn't tell a soul of his findings and Mordecai knew that he could be trusted with such a secret, but he just wanted to make sure.

Mordecai managed a small nod. "Yeah, sure."

Bensons hand slipped off his shoulder, dropping limply by his side again. "Good." Mordecai waited for the "you're fired". But it never came. With his eyebrows furrowed, he turned his head back and kept walking. It was only when he reached rhe doorway that it struck him; what he had originally come in here for. He paused in the doorway, thinking it over. From what had just occured, he felt it wrong to bring up another subject. But Benson couldn't say no, could he?

"Um, Benson?" Mordecai said, turning around slighlty. Benson looked up, surprised. He had thought Mordecai would just walk out without another word on the matter. Did he want to continue this conversation?

"Can I borrow the cart tomorrow afternoon after work? I need to pick up supplies for Eileens birthday party on Thursday."

Benson mentally kicked himself. Of course he wouldn't. Both of them wanted it to end as soon as possible, so what made him think Mordecai would keep talking about it? It was something that you never ever bought up again. Although it was gone from their minds, it was still there. And both of them knew it.

"Sure." Benson said. "Just park it in the garage when you come back."

Mordecai nodded again. "Thanks, Benson."

"No problem."

Mordecai wanted to say something else, but he didn't know what to say. He didn't want to leave this kind of atmosphere in the room, so with a deep breath, he took a few steps in the room.

"I really am sorry, Benson."

Benson, who had his back turned, whirled around in surprise. He had thought Mordecai had left, that that would be the end of them speaking to each other for the afternoon. But obviously, it hadn't.

"I know."

Mordecai bit his lip. Another conversation breaker. He wanted to leave it at that, but one glance at the hot tear forming in Bensons left eye knew he couldn't. Seeing Benson upset just made dread sink in the pit of his stomach. He wanted to blurt out a million "sorrys". He wasn't only sorry for rejecting him, but he was sorry for even being at the park, for applying for a job here in the first place. And it was evident on his face.

"You don't need to stay here, you know." Benson said.

Mordecai knew that. He didn't need to stay here. But he chose to. Because he wanted to set things right. Rejections happened everyday, but to him, this was different. He suddenly felt like the bad guy. He had exposed his boss' deepest darkest secret and what made it worse was that Benson knew. But at least Mordecai was trust worthy. And that's what Benson was happy about.

"I know, but..." Mordecai was walking on broken glass; be careful where you step, or you could hurt yourself. "I...I'm sorry I hurt you." Hopefully, Benson could understand why Mordecai chose to stay, why he kept apologizing despite their conversation already having finished.

"You didn't hurt me, Mordecai." Benson said, looking at him. "I mean, deep down, I am broken, but things happen. And I already knew what your answer would be, if that makes you feel any better."

No. It didn't make him feel any better. It just made him feel worse. He stared off to the side for a couple of minutes, letting his mind think. Looking back at his boss, he smiled sadly.

"Listen, Benson. I might not feel the same way towards you as you do towards me, but like you said, things happen. And who knows? Maybe I could like you someday. But for now, we'll just leave it as a close friendship."

Benson smiled. "Done."

They shook hands then Mordecai turned and walked out the office. Benson let out a heavy sigh. He turned again, his eyes catching the red journal on his desk.

_~ Anything can happen ~ _


End file.
